Decide to decide

Procrastination and excuses are never going to get us anywhere fast (or slowly for that matter). We can continue on this path for years on end and hope that some things are miraculously going to change (they’re not, cause lets just be honest now), when in actual fact we are inevitably still going to be in the same place, treading the same water and viewing the same surroundings year in and year out. Life on repeat just like the movie Groundhog Day.

I’m quite sure plenty of us are deathly afraid of the unknown being the fearful humans that we are, but as I have learnt along the way , the only constant in life is change, and its not necessarily a bad thing no matter how daunting it may seem. Things change, people change, needs change or are finally realized, wants change, life changes. Sometimes, we have to stop treading  the same damn water, move those lil legs and swim (doggy paddle if you must, but move yo ass!) We are either allowing fear to control us and hold us back, or we are going to control that fear. Stop putting things off, stop making excuses and forge on ahead like warriors (not worriers). Been there, done that and bought that t-shirt (which is currently hanging in my cupboard along with the many others I have acquired over time!) It’s like all the clothes in your cupboard that you haven’t worn in the last 5 years , last 4 years or even the last 2 years , chances here are , you are never going to wear those clothes again…never!  It’s not even that you’ve put on weight (clothes elves can be a thing mind you!) and that they no longer fit, but perhaps over the years your body shape has changed, maybe it never actually fit properly in the first place… point is, they are not serving you by being there. They could in fact be the absolute perfect fit and style for another, but for you and your wardrobe…its spring  cleaning time. There is no time like the present.

Make space for the new, let go of the old and that which no longer serves you (maybe never did). Decide to decide , and live your best life and one that makes you smile from the inside out. Inside out smiles are the best kinda smiles!

Thoughts to ponder… if you had one day left on earth, to change things, to be living the life you want or wanted, living where you want,  with who you want…. What would you do! …Now with that answer, go do it! The only person stopping you, is YOU! Its  far easier for us to make a million and 5 excuses than it is to be perfectly honest with ourselves and others. Sometimes things happen to wake us up and open our eyes (and sometimes it’s like a bucket of ice cold water thrown over our head in the middle of the night to jolt us awake!). Awake now, are we!? 

So while there are millions of magical fluffy dandelions out there to wish apon, sometimes you have go a step further and help bring those wishes to life. If a wish is placed in your heart, you are also equipped to make it a reality by the choices and decisions you make. Its up to you. September resolutions… cause New Year Resolutions are so last year.

By faith not sight

Sometimes we write
Sometimes just feel
Sometimes we lose all sense of what’s real

At times we cry without knowing why
At times we ‘die’ before we can try

Each time we wake to a brand new day
Each time we brave the words we can’t say
Each time we break our soul in decay
Each time we love, our sins we repay

But every time we know beyond a shadow of a doubt
That faith is what leads us when there’s not much in sight

LM – Dandelion wishes

Some days

These silent tears that stream gently down the sides of your face
Have become a true testament of the words ones heart cannot speak, can never quite place

Invisible to none, as visable as this night, your world unraveling before you
And a time that is standing so still, so still

And as the darkness surrounds you, the struggle between heart and mind enslave you , the heart wins silly girl, it always wins.

And you lay captive in the nights lonely clutches, in the quiet recess of your mind, the quieter you become, the more you hear and the louder those silents tears

For its not in the noise of what’s quietly falling but of your hearts desperate cry that one hears. I need Serenity 

– LM Dandelion wishes

Through the storm

How often do we put things off until tomorrow, until next week, next month, even next year. Its amazing how quickly a year can go by and you realize that nothing has changed, not your life, not your happiness not your wants and not your needs. You stay stagnant…you idle along slowly. Procrastination buys us time, so we don’t have to make those tough decisions, the uncomfortable ones, the ones that may leave us and others feeling a little out of sorts for a while (sometimes a lot worse than that initially, but necessary). More often than not, it will never be the right time, but we also know that we will never advance in our lives by indecision and waiting until the ‘perfect moment’ , waiting until our kids are older or have made it through exams or school, or varsity, our bank balances are healthier, our homes are happier, our debts are paid, our lives are less busy, we have better jobs,  or until things miraculously change or get better, or we are struck by amnesia and manage to forget, and as time goes by we continue to say to ourselves, soon, its complicated, its tough, we’ll see how it goes, we never know what the future holds (it may hold nothing if we’re not here to see it). Look 5 years ahead and you will more than likely be stuck in the same place as you have been for the past how many odd years, asking yourself why, why didn’t I. Chances are, you have the answer already and sometimes, there are people that come into our lives (some come back, co-incidence, i think not) to shake things up, to wake us up, make us question life as we know it , make us feel alive again, awaken our sleeping heart and soul,  to show us how it should be, how it could be, how some things were everything we wanted and prayed for, everything we dreamed of, but now we’re deathly fearful and terrified of change and the unknown  and of judgement by others. Until someone has walked in our shoes, let judgement be left to the One who walks on water, He knows our hearts , knows our sorrows and our pains, as well as our intended life and soul purpose and we are being guided daily and pushed in the right direction, i guess sometimes this leads to discomfort and questioning everything. Until we learn to listen..we will keep bumping our heads. Go figure (insert eye rolling/raised eyebrows here)

Everything we have been through in our lives has strengthened us and gotten us to this point in time, through tragedies, heartache, struggles and pain, this acquired He-Man power has been building over time to help us get over lifes impending speed bumps and potholes and to enable us to plow through hurricane Hilda’s older sister and find our way home. Sometimes home has 2 eyes and a heartbeat, whether you’re a cow or a crab, we all long for a place to lay our weary head and call it home.

The unfortunate truth though,  is that nothing will ever change unless we ourselves make the decision to change whatever it is that needs changing and we make it with firm intention because we know that although our next steps and path may be uncomfortable and rocky now..it is for the greater good for ourselves and those around us and for the happiness we’ve spent our lives dreaming of and wishing for. There is no time like the present. People around you will adapt and it will eventually all make perfect sense. Those close to us are happier when we are happier, much the same when we are unhappy. The more you are around and exposed to a certain energy, the more you become that energy.

I too think that a clear indication of someone’s value in your life would be to say that , if you were to wake up tomorrow morning and never be able to see, speak to or hear from this person ever again…how would you feel, would you be okay with that? Would they simply be a nice memory, a not so great one, a sad one, a forgettable one, or a regret, a what if, a question mark,  a why didn’t i, that you will live with for the rest of your days on earth, wishing you had taken that step forward, grabbed hold of that extended hand , one that by the grace of God has been brought back to you and thus giving both a second chance when older and wiser. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just covers up the scar. Tomorrow is never promised, yet so many of us waste our today’s thinking we have time…what if we don’t? What if we put off making that one decision, that needs to be made and live the next 40 years wishing we’d been brave enough to say…this is what i need, this is my serenity, my peace, my calm, my safe place, my heart can finally breathe again. Be brave, find courage, find strength . Life is meant to be lived, not endured or simply soldiered on (we’re not at war nor waiting in the trenches, we need to go and smell some roses, or maybe just great coffee)

Live for today, for now and let all your tomorrows be happier more peaceful ones. Its not to say there will never be stormy weather again, but it’d be far nicer staring into the eyes of someone you truly love saying, id rather be beside you in the storm, than safe and warm on my own. Love is forever.

You matter…

When youre a ‘listener’, you tend to spend hours listening to others and i assure you its always by choice and something that you’ve done for as long as you can remember and are generally pretty good at. Its not rocket science , just requires a little patience and understanding which allows people the freedom and comfort to share and offload.  Sometimes people just want to be heard and understood.

At the end of the day, its a good feeling to have, that trust and openess and it really boils down to a certain amount of caring on your part because lets face it, if you really didn’t care, would you give up hours of your own precious time that you will never get back and could be spent with you children or family ? To most people, that answer would be no, but to people like some of us, it’s a big resounding, yes. We would, because we care about other people and because we feel that this is something we’ve been called to do and if someone needs us, we need to be there because we may be the only one that is there. Big statement right there. If someone reaches out to you, it is because they need too..take a moment, it could be a life saving one.

On the flip side we tend to forget that we are here too, being all human like and  living our lives, with similar day to day struggles and happenings. Most things are internalized and processed in quiet moments and when alone, but at times  there is a need to just be heard, a need to know that there is someone that will occasionally listen to our thoughts, our feelings, our struggles that we cannot seem to resolve on our own and don’t understand. To be cut off at this point when we are reaching out, and seeking understanding and cannot figure it out on our own…well..it hurts. Its hard to realise that another cannot give you the time of day when that is something we give so freely and lovingly.

 When we ourselves need a listening ear, its because we’ve already spent hours, days, weeks even months trying to resolve it on our own and exhausted every avenue without having to burden another…so it is only at this point that we say, hey, i just don’t get it, hear me, help me understand.

So with all that said, a little reminder for some of us, because we tend to forget…

You exist and therefore you matter. You are allowed to voice your thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to assert your needs. You are allowed to take upspace, the world is big enough, promise. You are allowed to be constructively discontent. Don’t  allow anybody to discredit your feelings, they are yours to have. When you matter to people , so do your thoughts and feelings, all of them (even the ones they may not understand). We are all important. We are all here for a purpose, whether we know what that is our not. When people spend time listening to you, give them that same level of respect in return and listen back. If others can afford you their time, you can do the same. Its nice. Be you. Be human. Listen

The gift of why

As with the month of May and winter rolling in at an alarming rate, so comes with it the chilly evenings, cosy blankets, earlier to bed (or just climbing into bed straight after work…chores, what are those), good books (not always), movie weather and more time to think and reflect (because sometimes we’d rather stay in than brave the cold, and this is okay when you’re no longer a spring chicken.)

More time to think doesn’t always ring true for me, because when does one actually ever stop thinking…im going to go with never over here. Every second of every day, we are thinking or processing something, big or small it doesnt matter, its a thought. Its how we work through things, rationalize them, overthink them (under-thinking is a foreign concept, and never happened…not once. In my own opinion). Id like to think that this is a way and means for our brains to work through our troubles, heartaches, happiness, worries, fears, excitement and all things thought provoking (which is pretty much everything).

My thought process of late has been centered around life, the good the bad and the ugly…the way things work or dont and how and why. There is a quote that sums up a lot for me at the moment and that is “people will come and go in your life, but the right ones always stay”. If you think about that for a moment, it is so true. How many people have come into our lives, fulfilled a purpose and or helped at a time we needed it/them the most and then just as quickly as they came , they were gone, yet strangely enough we’re okay with that (sometimes not, but with time comes a certain level of understanding). It can take years to fully understand why someone needed to leave your life, , to make that sudden exit, but eventually it dawns on you with a great big ‘ah ha’ moment. Life is amazing like that. We eventually do get it, even if it takes us a bit of time to do so.

There are also many times that it hurts to have to say goodbye, times where there isnt even so much as a ‘see you later’, ‘cheers for now’, ‘see you never’, just an open ended question left to haunt us in the darkest hours of night.. a why. It goes without saying that we all have a ‘why’, a reason …and its a ‘why’ we do the things we do..a ‘why’ we are the way we are, a ‘why’ we say the things we say (and sometimes this can be nothing at all). What is your why? In saying that and in knowing that..sometimes, the nicest most meaningful gift we can give another human being is that reason, that why, even if its a painful one because knowing is far better than not knowing. Being the ostrich and sticking ones head in the sand only works until you run out of oxygen , you’re going to need to take a breath at some point, unless its Ostrich on the menu for dinner.. Said ‘why’ may be enough to give closure, a few less sleepless nights of additional thought processing, and some much needed peace at the end of the day. From my own stand point, we owe that much to others, we owe them our ‘why’, our reasoning behind our behavior if it affects them directly and causes them any amount of stress or pain. Why…would you knowingly withhold such a gift and not allow them a certain amount of comfort and peace. You wouldnt, because you would know how it feels and because im almost certain we all know this feeling and the sheer frustration of it . These are the reasons why many of us close ourselves off emotionally, trust less, put up higher walls and become outwardly cold, because inwardly we are always wondering if we are the next persons why, or why not and if we are even worth enough to know which one. Give someone your why

In knowing and learning all of the above, even though we are left questioning certain things in life, and not everything will make sense all the time…each day that we open our eyes we are given a new 24 hours , to make a difference,  to take chances, to make changes, to make different choices. Every new dawn is full of possible. We can choose to accept the hand we’ve been dealt (this too is just a perception because we create our own reality, by choice), or we can throw our cards on the table and choose new cards and better yet, choose the cards we want. The choice is ours..always. It may not come easy, it may come at a price, but there is always a choice. We are all on the pursuit of happiness, some of us  get stuck at times where we dont belong and forget that we are not trees and simply in a rut or  place of difficulty. Grab a spade and dig yourself out (you could be 2mm away from from finding ‘gold’ , giving up is never an option). Change can be painful it can hurt like hell, but theres nothing more painful than being stuck in a place you dont belong and basically living to die. Deep down we all know this too be true, its admitting that fact to ourselves that may take time.

The most spectacular sunsets and sunrises of life still await..wake up with the courage to open your eyes and start anew.

 

 

 

Becoming the hermit

“A hermit  is a person who lives in seclusion from society; a person who has withdrawn from society and lives a solitary existence; a recluse”

So in becoming the hermit, numb will be the word of the day, possibly week, possibly month, we’ll leave this one open ended in ones usual uncertainty in all areas of life! (Ive used the word , one, about 50 million times, and as for today, i am just one sandwich short of a picnic!). Only time will be the story teller of this tale, and there are numerous scenarios as to the ending of said story.. happy, sad, happy yet sad, its always a day full of possible.  I remain ever the optimist at the best of times, but once in a while one is taken back to those moments of dejavu and one (there is that word again) is reminded from  previous and rather extensive experience that , nice guys (and girls) generally finish last.This does not paint an awfully fantastic picture today. (currently looking for new paints, think mine are broken. Ironincally i have not picked up a paintbrush in over 20 years. Forgotten how to ‘art’ perhaps or more like,  how to ‘life’ is best fitting)

There are times in some of our lives, where we  feel as though we’re watching the happenings and goings on, from the outside in , through a looking glass or window pane. (me thinks said window be needing some windowlene! because foggy much!). You feel, but you dont…you know its there, sitting juuust beneath the surface, wanting to rear its ugly head and bring you too your knees but you block it, you take yourself to that empty place,  that giant void of nothingness, impenetrable to the outside world, and you stay there because its safe, its comfortable and nothing can hurt you there. You become quieter and quieter to those around you. I have learnt over the many years, to take myself to this place when i need an escape and when life becomes just a little too much ..i have learnt the art of hermitting. So for now, the hermit i become.

As with everything and in all aspects of life, we are only in control of ourselves, the choices we make, the vision of how we’d like our future to look , that picture in our heads of how it should be (according to ourselves, our perception, our thoughts and feelings)… and it can really only be so, if the other players (not ghetto style) involved come to the party..if they dont, we party alone, or we attend a different party altogether and form a new picture in our heads. This can only happen once we stop admiring the old picture, see it for what it is, take in the beauty, see the areas that are not quite as beautiful as we had initially thought, take in every brush stroke and then refocus our vision on a new painting in the hopes of taking it home, finding a place for it in our little hermit abode and admiring it daily for the rest of our days..

I think until we find our niche in life, we are constantly walking through life’s galleries, we will love some works of art, dislike others, be on the fence about the odd few and then there will come a day where that one unassuming, yet eye catching, soul moving masterpiece, will jump right out at you and say, “this is the one, this is your painting” , (“just take it!…now!” this in the tone and voice of someone close and who i can picture saying it). Sometimes that painting that you love so much, that has moved you to a point of complete tunnel vision, at the time was already on hold for another or has been bought by someone else…and sometimes that someone else is not even one who appreciates art in all its entirety and beauty, but someone who simply saw it for its future value only to be discarded of the moment it reaches its sell by date or until something better comes along. This leaves the rest of us at a loss, as our intention is to appreciate its beauty rather than its value and the value it can/could bring. So many lessons one has to learn.

So with all of life’s unrelenting storms, ever present uncertainties and being completely disillusioned with the workings of the world of today and the people in it, i become the hermit yet again to try and restore whatever tiny mustard seed sized ounce of faith i have left,  for i know in my heart that my day will come and it will be worth it in the end. For now i will bow my head , i will weather the storm and i will see you on the flip side. The art of becoming the hermit.

 

Faithful tears

When you make peace with the way things are, you give yourself permission to keep going and move on.

Love will always be love, even if you can never be together, never have that  happily ever after. 

Regret is a terrible thing, tragic at times, but not always up to us, not always in our control as we really only have control over ourselves, our decisions, our choices and what’s best for us, and not the lives of others. Our reality may differ greatly to the next, our level of love and our thoughts and feelings and at the end of it all that is what determines the outcome. 

Nothing can or should ever be forced and it is up to us to accept it gracefully with love and light, and the ever present faithful tears and knowing that He has a plan for our lives.

“For i know plans i have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” – Jeremiah 29:11

  

The light

There comes a time in your life where  you find and meet someone who truly makes you see the light, someone who opens your eyes to all the things you’ve ever dreamed of and all the things you never knew you even needed.

Those people, are once in a lifetime kind of people that dont come around ever so often.

Sometimes it requires change, and sometimes change is necessary, not only for your own personal growth, but for others. Change is never easy and most of us shy away from it because its scary and we are fearful humans. Fear of the unknown, fear of failing. We only fail when we stop trying.

Its always good and noble and right to help others but some get comfortable and complacent when they dont need to work for things, it becomes routine, too easy and requires zero effort on their part…its up to us to allow for growth in all directions , not only ourselves, but others too. Being helpful should not mean being taken advantage of, there is a very big difference there…some cannot see the error of their ways (or dont care too) and we allow it. What you allow will always continue, Our children dont follow our advice, they follow our example.

I am

I am silent, yet inside i scream

I walk blindly , yet i see all

I feel everything , yet my heart is numb

I am worth something, yet nothing at all 

I am viseable, yet i am hidden 

My heart bleeds, my soul weeps 

You came, you saw, you left